It’s Not Your Fault, But It Is Your Responsibility

We’ve all been there—stuck in patterns that don’t serve us, making decisions we regret, or carrying the weight of blame for outcomes we wish were different. Often, when we reflect on these moments, we find ourselves asking, Why do I keep doing this? What’s wrong with me?

Let me start by saying this: It’s not your fault. Truly. Most of what we think, feel, and do is shaped by experiences from earlier in our lives, and much of it happens outside our conscious awareness. But here’s the flip side: It is your responsibility.

Let’s explore what this means—and why it’s good news.

Compassion for Your Defenses

As an integral psychologist specializing in somatic energy modalities such as Core Energetics, I’ve seen time and again how people develop behaviors and beliefs in response to circumstances that were once beyond their control. Many of these patterns formed early in life, when we were young and vulnerable. Back then, we relied on whatever defense mechanisms we could muster to navigate the emotional terrain around us.

For example, if a child grows up in a home where their needs for attention and love aren’t consistently met, they may develop strategies to protect themselves—like shutting down emotionally, striving for perfection, or seeking approval at all costs. At the time, these defenses were essential for survival. They were the best tools available in a world that may have felt unsafe or unpredictable.

But as we grow into adulthood, these same defenses can start to work against us. They influence our relationships, our decision-making, and our sense of self-worth—often without us even realizing it. What we label as "bad choices" or "failures" are often echoes of these early survival strategies. Recognizing this is the first step toward compassion for ourselves.

Responsibility as Freedom

Now comes the challenging—and empowering—part. While it’s true that we didn’t choose the circumstances that shaped us, we can choose how we respond to them now. This is the essence of responsibility: the ability to respond.

When we take responsibility for understanding our patterns, we’re not blaming ourselves or minimizing the impact of what happened to us. Instead, we’re acknowledging our power to change. This is profoundly hopeful work, even if it’s not always easy.

Responsibility invites us to become curious about the root causes of our behaviors. It asks us to look within, to see where our old defenses are no longer serving us, and to explore what healing might look like. It’s a call to action—a reminder that while we didn’t create our wounds, we have the power to address them.

A Path Forward

This process of taking responsibility doesn’t happen overnight. It requires self-compassion, support, and a willingness to explore the layers of your story. Here are a few ways to begin:

1. Pause and Reflect
   When you notice a pattern or decision that feels off, pause. Ask yourself: What might be driving this? How does it connect to my past?

2. Seek Support
   Working with a therapist or a guide trained in somatic modalities like Core Energetics can help you uncover the roots of your defenses and begin to transform them.

3. Celebrate Small Wins
   Each time you respond differently—no matter how small the change—you’re exercising your power to shape your life.

4. Stay Compassionate
   Remember, the goal isn’t to blame yourself or anyone else. It’s to take ownership of your growth and healing.

Why This Matters

When we release the burden of blame and embrace the gift of responsibility, we open the door to profound transformation. We stop seeing ourselves as broken or flawed and start seeing ourselves as resilient and capable of growth.

So, the next time you find yourself in a moment of self-criticism, remember: It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility. And that’s a beautiful thing, because it means you’re not stuck. You have the power to respond, to heal, and to thrive.